Will i be an amazing person who live an amazing life?

I've been working hard lately, no one would quite believe that i wrote my 18ooo words thesis in a week. But yeah i did, it's not a great one, still working on the details, but at least that i know i have that in me.

So i begun the waiting process again. This time is for the lecturer to return his comments and I started with things that i'd do when i'm chillin'. That is, watching tv and eating junks.

As i was pacing around in my room, watching the same old drama that i've watched for, i don't know, 5 times? Then it hit me.

I've been doing nothing, literally nothing, about my life in the past 7 months since i've returned from China. I don't read anymore. I don't go out. I just buried myself in some sort of comfort zone because i don't have to think or act, or even move. In this case, the comfort zone is my room and i'm forming an unhealthy attachment to my laptop, Hermy.

Well, in the past i would say that this is what Singapore does to you. This time, i find even this rather valid reason is fading in its trueness. The sole problem is with me, and with me alone.

But i don't know what's wrong with me. Or i should say, yes i do know what the hell is wrong with me, just that i'm too proud to admit it. Because deep down, i know there is nothing i can do about it.

People told you to dream big. So being a dreamer, i have a lot of dreams. A lot of them. However, none of them is coming true or is about to come true anytime soon. So, i felt trapped, bound inside my own veins, distasted by it, yet can't get rid of it.

So i've tried, tried to ran away from this ugly truth and persuade myself that those dreams don't exist. Telling myself it is just something that your brain does to you when you're bored. Put this thought into action and voila, i'm hiding out in a hole that i'm digging.

I woke up this morning and thought about it, long and hard. Oasis once sung "I'm start a revolution from my bed cuz you said the brains i had went to my head", i guess i know how it feels now.

And not to mention, this hiding out, is also a deja vu. I've done it before in high school and after i came back from Italy. I'm always running around in circle, mourning the lost, yet not to chase the coming fate.

That's why i get stucked. Because life goes on, and time too. If you don't move on with them, you'd find yourself caught and freezed in certain moments of your life which feels real to you, but they are unreal to life.

Somehow i think i'm being defeated by life. I don't want to be a loser. But i do feel like losing now.