什么叫多余？

夏天的棉袄，冬天的蒲扇，还有等我已经心冷后你的殷勤。

我的快乐 会回来的

朋友说我像陈欣怡，我说不像。她，人太好，太傻了，傻得让人心疼的女孩。

周末时，想了很久，或许以前我真的有那么一点傻。

傻乎乎地追求着这辈子都得不到的，重复的伤害，心底却总还存在着那么一点点的幻想，一直告诉自己，或许有一天，就那么一天，或那么一秒钟，别人能真的看到我，看到真正的我。

就在他否定着最真正的我时，我知道结束了。心里的那种痛，是无法抑制的。告诉自己要坚强，但是眼泪还是不争气，冲刷着一直以来的委屈与求全。

I am always not gonna be good enough，能让一个傻乎乎的人理解，以前做的都不值得，是多么困难的事。

既然已划下了那一痕，离开不是谁给谁的选择，而是必然的。重要的是，离开的理由，不是因为你，是为了我自己，I deserved better.

那道门封上快四年了，看着你站在门外，你以为你在努力着，或许别人都这么认为，但看在我眼底的依然是自己的傻与痛。除非有天你终能理解那滋味，否则眼前毫无交集的两个人，间中的距离就会持续到永远。

这，不是故意装出来的漠视，是打从心底的对你不在乎。我不再爱你，也不会再爱你，这条路是我自己选的，而且会走下去。

唯一仍让我伤心的是，因为你，我的心，不曾打开过。如薄冰的心，已粘了回去，但害怕被伤害的阴影，挥之不去。

而我还总是认为，I'm not good enough, for anything. 即使别人觉得我拥有了很多，但我从来不觉得自己拥有过。

因为你让我失去了最基本的，尊严。

或许哪天，有个人能让我找回尊严，也许那就是，我的快乐，回来的那天。

all you do is talk

Really, no more expectations for you. It is just what it is. The world revolves around you. You are the only thing that matters. Others are invisible and inaudible.

Exactly like how i feel now.

十字路口 vs. 三叉岔口

至少十字路口有退路。

I have a feeling

Do you know that feeling? That you knew the thing that you're going to do/was going to do is wrong?

Then you do it anyway.

Why? Because there's a nagging thought that, MAYBE, maybe things will turn out right, somehow.

Then you get bumped. So screwed, that you regretted it the moment you did it. But you can't take back any of these. Payback is a bitch, i knew her well.

Wisemen said, think twice, or thrice, whatever the hell is. I thought for maybe, uptenth time? And it still bite me hard in the ass.

So ya. I have a feeling.

Against all odds

I am not referring to the song, in case you're wondering.

I've always wanted to donate blood but i've been rejected on several occasions. The nurse always tell me that my veins are too "fine" (ya my friends are teasing me for using this word haha). The fact that my veins are small caused me a lot of troubles actually, most notably when i go for body check-ups. Whenever a nurse came over to collect my blood, the looks on their facaes were the same: This one is troublesome. Then i know that i have to go through the same process again, where nurses would twist and turn my arm/muscles like it's some kind of clothes that needs drying by hand. Usually 5 people can get their blood drawn before mine came out.

And i don't deny that i'm a stubborn ass, so i just keep trying and trying, hope one day i can make it. Then on Friday, there was another blood donation drive. Even though i'm busy from my essays production, still, i went down to try my luck again.

And it was a good day. I was asked to take a temperature check, 37, perfect. Then a nurse had to examine my vein because i'm a first timer and even i can see my vein clearly popped out. I was excited of course because i was finally able to do it :) Then it took an hour for me to get through registration, waited for people to ask me whether i have had any sex in the past 3 months and got my finger clipped to test my iron level. I've passed all that. Moment of truth.

An auntie nurse came over to me and making all kind of jokes when she numbed me. I thought she felt that i was nervous, but i was not. I was just excited for it to happen :) Then she inserted a needle in my vein, she didn't manage to make it that smoothly so she needs to twist the needle in my arm for a few times. It was a bit strange to watch because it was supposed to hurt but it was not. She managed to get my blood drawn and i was "yay-ing" :) However, things tuned badly like 5 minutes later. My blood flow was a bit slow so she called over a colleague to readjust the needle, this time some blood came out from where they injected me and it was fine again. 3 minutes later, she came back and took a look at my blood packet, she had a no-no look on her face. She said to me most regrettably that there was some clods in my blood because my blood wasn't that fluidized, next time drink a lot of water before you donate :)

And the blood can't be used.

There it was. I waited and queued, laid down and got a needle injected into my vein, still i didn't get to donate. Now my arm hurts a little and bruised, still i didn't get to donate.

So the lesson for today is, do not do things against all odds. Odds are there for a reason, which you know exactly what, how and why. Thinking that you can get passed all that, it doesn't make you brave, it just mean that you are stupid enough to think that you can come on top in a fight with the odds.

Loving someone who can't love you back, it's way lonelier than being alone

David Gray - my new found lover

I came across great artists every year.

In 2006, it was Damien Rice, with his sad sad voice for Cannon Ball.

Then in 2007, i fell for James Morrison for his works in Wonderful World.

Last year i fell in love with Dead Cab for Cutie with their Title and Registration.

This time round is David Gray. An English man with beautiful songs like "first chance", "sail away" and "this year's love"