About Me

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To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face. And to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

今年的最后一个Post

往年的12月31号,我都在享受慵懒假期。今年比较特别,我居然在念书准备考试。

感觉自己过了两个2008年,一个是在新加坡/马来西亚,另一个是在中国,两种截然不同的体验,所以总是无法把两者看成一年。

来北京混了四个月,说混呢,是因为我在学业上变得好懒好懒;但生活上,我变得很自在。之前考虑要不要延长的时候,我赫然发现新加坡和北京,对我而言都一样。不是说它们俩拥有一样的特质,而是经过各种因素的权衡后,最终两者得到了一样的分数。

很显然的,我在新加坡的生活很沉闷,除了看书看戏听歌,真的找不出什么爱好。我不爱逛街或人多的地方,更确切地说,我的脑子一直和我说,新加坡没有什么好玩的地方。所以,除了待在舒适的校园里,我对其他地方根本提不起兴趣。思想上的抗拒,使我失去了解新加坡的机会。当然,这样说就应能推断出我在新加坡的心情写照 -- 苦闷。

来到中国后,生活中出现了久违的新奇事物。我对中国的人、食物、古迹、政治都非常感兴趣。常和不同国籍的朋友聚餐,学了很多餐桌上的礼仪呵呵~连这些生活上的小事都能让我非常起劲,可见我多快乐。后来我却发现,如此悠闲的生活,竟然让我怀念起刻苦读书的日子。我承认,时间是掌握在自己手上的,既然我开始怀念啃书的日子,那我大可勤奋上课读书啊!可是,人,至少我,是一个很奇怪的动物。试问谁会在没有成绩压力的情况下,自发拿起学术性的课本来读?文学作品还行,但课本我就真的不行了。所以每每要拿起课本的时候,我就会找许多借口。可见,生活上的缺憾,总是自身造成的。

而最终我选择了自由的国外,毕竟国外无论在学业上还是工作上,比新加坡拥有“更大的可能”,所以,我的新年愿望很简单,但也很贪婪,因为我期望来年的人生将有“无限的可能”呵呵~

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I always remember a line from One Tree Hill, "Everthing you do now, shakes your future". I think i am very blessed to have opportunities to live in foreign lands. Every countries i lived, left a mark on me, every little things that i did, shape "Shi Wan".

In Italia, i learnt to appreciate life, or rather, how to live my life. I always knew work life balance will play have great influences in my future and the trip strengthen my belief. Life isn't just about work and money, I need to spare something or some time for myself, to recharge, or to rebuild, maybe even to release. I need to see the world because it's the key thing to keep me going on the long journey of life. I need to feel motivated and inspired, traveling makes me feel so. I want to expand my horizon and be the person that i want or wish myself to be. All these things, can only be done by myself. Me and me only.

China makes me realized that life isn't easy. There are a lot of things in life which are out of our control. How will my life or me turn out in a decade's time, is about the choices i made in life. Good or bad, i need to live with it because i made those decision. I know when i begin to work, things happen around me will make me question my morals or principles. But as i grew older, i've learnt not to judge the so called "good or ugly". I can choose the high roads, but it ain't easy. I don't want to go for the low roads, it's not easy either. All i can do, is to make the best decision on the spot and try not to regret it in future.

In other words, Italy brings out the optimistic me and China teaches me about reality.

What will 2009 give me?? A relationship? A career? Looking forward to it.

Wishing everyone happy new year ^_^

Friday, December 26, 2008

感恩

昨晚作了一个梦,可能是日有所思夜有所梦,我梦到了Signora Rita Impiumi。

她不是个名人,她曾是马来亚大学的意大利语教授,是驻马意大利大使馆的文化交流官员,是她,我才有机会到响往已久的意大利。她的人很好,我第一次申请奖学金的时候,对网站上写的条规和文件需求等都懵懵懂懂的,一直写信问她这个那个,她也非常好心的一一解释,而且回复都很快,让我留下了非常深刻的印象。

还记得第一次到大使馆的时候,我只是第四号候补,当时挺沮丧的,明明没什么机会代替别人去,为什么还把我叫到吉隆坡来?在等待他人被她和Angela接见的时候,我还是乖乖地把该签的文件都签了。可是等的时间挺长的,使我更加觉得自己不属于这里,很想赶快离开。但不幸的,我却排在最后一个被接见。等的过程很漫长,所以我不停地在和姐姐SMS,内容都挺伤感的。可能她看到我失望透顶的表情吧!觉得有些过意不去,所以当我终于踏入她的办公室时,她给了我一个很灿烂的微笑,眼瞳的颜色在阳光的承托下显得很漂亮。

我的直觉告诉我她是个很好的人。

在我踏出她的办公室之前,她两次叮嘱我明年一定要再申请,并且要在“再度申请”上打勾。我当时不明白“再度申请”代表什么,但我还是牢牢的记住了她的话。所以当我考完STPM,并且在打工时,我抱着碰碰运气的心情再度提交申请,同时也叫姐姐申请(看到姐姐的申请书时,自惭形秽的我,当时真的觉得没机会了哈哈!)。

还记得申请书寄出去后的隔天下午,我的电话突然响了,如果你了解我这个人的话,你就会知道我的电话几乎是不响的,有时候我真的觉得没有用手机的必要。手机上显示“Italian Embassy",当时心里在想“要拒绝我的申请也不用那么快吧”?还好不是拒绝我的申请,只是问我“为什么是再度申请?你拿过这个奖学金去意大利么?”。我就一五一十跟她说了我的情况,到后来我想她应该记得我了。

等了两个月,有一天照常在Harris看免费的书的时候,我的电话响了。一个带有意大利口音的女性声音传了过来,是Signora Rita Impiumi。她说了什么我现在已经不记得了,我只知道当时的我很想高兴的大喊,可是我人在Harris手里拿着Narnia,所以我不能这么做。我只能不停地走来走去,兴奋的傻笑,不停的跟家人好友报告这个好消息。过了五分钟,我姐姐打电话跟我说她也中选了,真的是双喜临门啊!

最后一次看到Signora Rita Impiumi 是到大使馆签合约的时候,我一进门就说了“Buongiorno",可能不是很多人跟他们问好吧!在附近和别人谈话的Rita抬头看了我一眼,并向我微笑及说了“Buongiorno"。那个我所熟悉的微笑,这也是我最后一次见到她。后来我被交到另一个Rita的手上,嗯对于她我不便多说呵呵~ 我听June说Signora Rita Impiumi 被调到美国去了,在北大国际公共关系的朋友后来跟我说大使馆人员被调到美国去可是件大事呐!我真的替她感到无比的高兴。

她可能不知道给我那个奖学金就此改变了我的一生。她可能不知道,意大利之行让我遇见了莫逆之交。她可能不知道,在世界的某一个角落,会有一个人在圣诞节的时候想起她的微笑,并对他怀着由衷感恩的心,默默的祈祷她会健康快乐。

Thursday, December 11, 2008

平遥 vs. 庞贝

总是写不了游记,不然就写得很差,可能和我的性格有关,我不是一个说故事高手。别人说“非笔墨所能形容”,我觉得是我的脑子缺乏了笔墨。

旅行的时候,眼下的许多东西,只能默默地记忆在脑海中,像酿酒般需要时间沉淀探索,显得非常后知后觉。

但也不一定会酿制成功。

像在平遥,我终于才为庞贝古城作了观后感。或许是同样的色系,可能是同样背负了悠久的历史,不知怎的,望着微弱的冬阳光线,脑子里只有那个热到不行的夏日,我在意大利南方,艰难地迈出每一个步伐,就是为了感受被掩埋的感觉。但那感觉并没有出现,我失望透了,心情也变得很差,拖累了旅伴。当时我不明白为什么我感到失望透顶,还以为是天气,现在知道原来是这么一回事。

迟到的,总好过不到。

Sunday, December 7, 2008

On the road - Sick

Traveling alone, fell a little bit sick.

People said it's the downside of traveling alone. coz there's no one who can take care of me. For me, it's better that i am traveling alone when i am sick. Firstly, i can make changes to all the traveling plans that i've made, i don't need to consult anyone. Secondly, i won't upset or worried or trouble anyone, then others' trip won't be as much fun as they want it to be. So i think i am destined to be a loner.

Anyway, i realized how attached i am to Beijing, a city that i once hated. I was thinking if things got worse that i have to go back to beijing (or home) to see doctor or rest. Then i realized, falling sick in any part of the world is the same coz we are living on the same earth anyway, no point traveling to a place just to see doctor. But i guess it's the sentiment thing you know, when we are in trouble, we just want to go back to a place we know well or feel safe. So now, Beijing is officially my home in china.

I am actually not that sick as i might've sound, just a little bit of vomiting, nothing serious.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Xi'an

I've been in Xi'an for 3 days, now i really admire those who are good at traveling in winter. It's not that temparuture is particularally low, it's because i've been outdoor from 9 to 4pm, my body temparature drops to the threatening level and i just feel so, so cold.

So when i went to the Hua Qing Chi today, where Tang Xuan Zhong and Yang Gui Fei has a bitter-ending romance, i had to get myself a hot spring tub because i could not go on feeling like my feets weren't mine. Came back to think of it, it was a really "brave" move. My body was refusing to give in even though i doubt the hygiene level. Now i just hoped that it was a clean one. Please pray for me fellows.

Xi'an is a nice and cheap city, which are great news to me. And the tourism people aren't that "polluted" like the other places, i dunno is it becoz of my experiences, or it's just because Xi'an people are more sincere. I hope they stay the way they are and make everyone happy.

One thing to note is that, china has a "fear policy" for tourists. They always "caution" or "warn" tourists in order for the tourists to buy their services. I heard it once in a marketing class, "fear policy" is one of the most effective ways to get female customers. By thinking of this, i would give up every single tempting offer in Xi'an even though it was cheap. I think i am a stubborn ass, too bad.

Xi'an has the best food to offer, i think i've put on some weight just by 3 days. Their food are unique, with the muslim food from Xinjiang also, all i can say it's "wow". I am not a big fan of trying new food on my traveling, due to reasons like hygiene level and stuffs, but Xi'an really won me over. I even drank sugar cane juices by the roadside, i felt like "commiting suicide" when i drank it.

There's another 2 days to go in Xi'an, today i am not feeling really well, feel like puking all the time so i didn't enjoy the tourist spots that much. I hope by some rest and food, i will be able to recover to my strength and get on with tomorrow's plan.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Turned into something that i am not

一再重看昨天的post,作践自己是全世界最笨的事,但还是做了。值得吗?不值得。后悔吗?不至于。只是知道对不起自己。

每当回想起那晚的“放浪形骸”,第一个念头是:“天啊!我还有这一天”。清楚意识到当晚我把自己当成了发馊的秽物,something that people threw. Low self-esteem day.

I guess we all had it before, just that i wished that i've treated myself better.

现在脑海里只有Radiohead's High And Dry, 身体脑袋都有点虚脱的感觉。