年尾感言

今年即将结束，想写点什么，但脑海一片空白，不像往常般有源源不尽的想法。

总的来说，2009年发生了很多事，有好的也有坏的。坏的事情让我学会了真实面对自己，不该或不能紧紧抓住的人事物，就尽量洒脱的放开。放开，不代表不会伤心，但只要知道这样对大家都好，就足够了。

好的事情，还放在心里，不时回想起来，呆呆地傻笑着，默默地感动着。总感觉自己是个孤僻的人，但朋友都说我的话多得不得了^_^很感激自己的好运气，到了新的地方都会遇到很好的人。在意大利遇到的三位belle和北京的兄弟姐妹，以及红龟会的成员，当然还有菲比林，谢谢你们的爱护与宽容，大家要幸福哦~（看太多韩剧了哈哈！）

来年的愿望啊~应该是想成为一个带给大家温暖与欢笑的人吧！同时也希望之前所寄出去的申请表格都能捎来佳音^_^

祝愿大家都有个美好的2010！

我要有自己的彗星

隆冬季节，住在国外的朋友都在谈皑皑的白雪。

没看到从天上飘下来的鹅毛大雪是北京之旅的最大遗憾，但至少还摸到了纯净无暇又柔软的雪花，算是聊以自慰。

那时下了三天的雪刚停，走在清晨八点的校园里，华北的冰冷使大家还赖在暖暖的被窝中不愿起身，路上几乎都没人。在一片宁静中，我呼吸着寒冷的空气，运动鞋踩在湿滑的路面上，懒得戴手套的手不自觉地深深埋在大衣口袋里，心里哼着一首儿歌：踏雪寻梅。只可惜燕园多种桃花，春天到时一片春暖花开的粉红色也煞是好看。后来和思佳到故宫玩时，终看到凌寒独自开的小白花，感受了春落梅枝头的情趣，真不枉此行。这些都是题外话了。

循着一条熟悉的路径慢慢走向未名湖，道旁的松树林静静地伫立着，地上覆盖了一层薄雪，暗褐的树干衬托着纯白色，这是小时候在圣诞卡上看到的图画，一刹那间心里既兴奋又感动，荡漾着“终于见到你”的感觉。停下脚步，认真仔细的打量白雪，过了一会儿才想起为何不伸手碰一碰呢？应该是担心我的碰触会破坏了眼前的纯净吧！而我还是伸手摸了。

雪，冰冷又柔软，洁白的颗粒分明，因我的体温慢慢地融化在掌心，我开心的像孩子般笑了，忽而兴起了像小孩儿般爱恶作剧的念头，“踏雪寻梅”不是应该在雪地上踩踩吗？我望望了左右，确定没人后，小心翼翼的踩在最边缘已有点脏了的雪上，感受着脚下的柔软，还有那从脚心传递的冰冷感，唔这就是我第一个冬天里最美好的回忆了。

写着写着都忘了我的标题了，彗星。最近看到平民也能上太空旅游的新闻，如果我有钱的话，应该不会自己去，而是会在地球做一个很大很大的“肮脏雪球”，然后送上外太空成为彗星，再以我的名字命名，那就能名留千古了。你可能在想这怎么可能呢？我是说真的哦！嘿嘿我这里就有套制作彗星的秘籍。

在1950年，美国天文学家F.L.Whipple依据彗星在近日点和原日点的光度和体积变化，以及高精度方位观测和光谱分析结果，提出了现在流行于天文学界的“脏雪球模型”，认为彗星的核心主要是由凝结成冰的水，氨，二氧化碳（干冰），甲烷混合尘埃微粒而成的。也就是说，如果我依样画葫芦地做了个巨大的脏雪球，再买个太空旅游配套把它送上太空，到了外太空，这颗脏雪球就会进入自己的轨道绕着太阳转。在雪球运行于8个天文单位(A.U.)的期间，因为组成彗星的固体物质或称彗核，也就是我的脏雪球，会突然发热到足以蒸发一种叫做彗发的气体云。此气体云会包围着我的脏雪球，而太阳的紫外线会使气体云发光，形成我们在地球上所看到的耀眼彗星。

当然，我希望我的脏雪球彗星会是轨道椭圆并能定期回到太阳身边的周期性彗星。如果不能也没关系，至少这颗彗星仍有一次发光发热的机会。我并不奢望这颗藏雪球能拥有平纪录的2亿多公里（或1天文单位）的长长彗星尾巴，或者是像鹿林彗星般拥有罕见的两条彗尾，我只希望这颗脏雪球能够替我完成到太空走走看看的心愿，可能的话请帮我和太阳系里的8个行星打声招呼。

这不是写来唬弄人的，是确实可行的计划。从今天起我得努力储蓄，以期在有生之年完成我的梦想。

啊人类因梦想而伟大，这句话说得真好！

什么叫多余？

夏天的棉袄，冬天的蒲扇，还有等我已经心冷后你的殷勤。

我的快乐 会回来的

朋友说我像陈欣怡，我说不像。她，人太好，太傻了，傻得让人心疼的女孩。

周末时，想了很久，或许以前我真的有那么一点傻。

傻乎乎地追求着这辈子都得不到的，重复的伤害，心底却总还存在着那么一点点的幻想，一直告诉自己，或许有一天，就那么一天，或那么一秒钟，别人能真的看到我，看到真正的我。

就在他否定着最真正的我时，我知道结束了。心里的那种痛，是无法抑制的。告诉自己要坚强，但是眼泪还是不争气，冲刷着一直以来的委屈与求全。

I am always not gonna be good enough，能让一个傻乎乎的人理解，以前做的都不值得，是多么困难的事。

既然已划下了那一痕，离开不是谁给谁的选择，而是必然的。重要的是，离开的理由，不是因为你，是为了我自己，I deserved better.

那道门封上快四年了，看着你站在门外，你以为你在努力着，或许别人都这么认为，但看在我眼底的依然是自己的傻与痛。除非有天你终能理解那滋味，否则眼前毫无交集的两个人，间中的距离就会持续到永远。

这，不是故意装出来的漠视，是打从心底的对你不在乎。我不再爱你，也不会再爱你，这条路是我自己选的，而且会走下去。

唯一仍让我伤心的是，因为你，我的心，不曾打开过。如薄冰的心，已粘了回去，但害怕被伤害的阴影，挥之不去。

而我还总是认为，I'm not good enough, for anything. 即使别人觉得我拥有了很多，但我从来不觉得自己拥有过。

因为你让我失去了最基本的，尊严。

或许哪天，有个人能让我找回尊严，也许那就是，我的快乐，回来的那天。

all you do is talk

Really, no more expectations for you. It is just what it is. The world revolves around you. You are the only thing that matters. Others are invisible and inaudible.

Exactly like how i feel now.

十字路口 vs. 三叉岔口

至少十字路口有退路。

I have a feeling

Do you know that feeling? That you knew the thing that you're going to do/was going to do is wrong?

Then you do it anyway.

Why? Because there's a nagging thought that, MAYBE, maybe things will turn out right, somehow.

Then you get bumped. So screwed, that you regretted it the moment you did it. But you can't take back any of these. Payback is a bitch, i knew her well.

Wisemen said, think twice, or thrice, whatever the hell is. I thought for maybe, uptenth time? And it still bite me hard in the ass.

So ya. I have a feeling.

Against all odds

I am not referring to the song, in case you're wondering.

I've always wanted to donate blood but i've been rejected on several occasions. The nurse always tell me that my veins are too "fine" (ya my friends are teasing me for using this word haha). The fact that my veins are small caused me a lot of troubles actually, most notably when i go for body check-ups. Whenever a nurse came over to collect my blood, the looks on their facaes were the same: This one is troublesome. Then i know that i have to go through the same process again, where nurses would twist and turn my arm/muscles like it's some kind of clothes that needs drying by hand. Usually 5 people can get their blood drawn before mine came out.

And i don't deny that i'm a stubborn ass, so i just keep trying and trying, hope one day i can make it. Then on Friday, there was another blood donation drive. Even though i'm busy from my essays production, still, i went down to try my luck again.

And it was a good day. I was asked to take a temperature check, 37, perfect. Then a nurse had to examine my vein because i'm a first timer and even i can see my vein clearly popped out. I was excited of course because i was finally able to do it :) Then it took an hour for me to get through registration, waited for people to ask me whether i have had any sex in the past 3 months and got my finger clipped to test my iron level. I've passed all that. Moment of truth.

An auntie nurse came over to me and making all kind of jokes when she numbed me. I thought she felt that i was nervous, but i was not. I was just excited for it to happen :) Then she inserted a needle in my vein, she didn't manage to make it that smoothly so she needs to twist the needle in my arm for a few times. It was a bit strange to watch because it was supposed to hurt but it was not. She managed to get my blood drawn and i was "yay-ing" :) However, things tuned badly like 5 minutes later. My blood flow was a bit slow so she called over a colleague to readjust the needle, this time some blood came out from where they injected me and it was fine again. 3 minutes later, she came back and took a look at my blood packet, she had a no-no look on her face. She said to me most regrettably that there was some clods in my blood because my blood wasn't that fluidized, next time drink a lot of water before you donate :)

And the blood can't be used.

There it was. I waited and queued, laid down and got a needle injected into my vein, still i didn't get to donate. Now my arm hurts a little and bruised, still i didn't get to donate.

So the lesson for today is, do not do things against all odds. Odds are there for a reason, which you know exactly what, how and why. Thinking that you can get passed all that, it doesn't make you brave, it just mean that you are stupid enough to think that you can come on top in a fight with the odds.

Loving someone who can't love you back, it's way lonelier than being alone

David Gray - my new found lover

I came across great artists every year.

In 2006, it was Damien Rice, with his sad sad voice for Cannon Ball.

Then in 2007, i fell for James Morrison for his works in Wonderful World.

Last year i fell in love with Dead Cab for Cutie with their Title and Registration.

This time round is David Gray. An English man with beautiful songs like "first chance", "sail away" and "this year's love"